There goes the fear

Let me find a better view of this unpredictable world,

Obstructed by the conditions of all of life's turns.

Being left out of the center feels like too much of a fight,

Seemingly impossible for me to find what could be right.

So I stand pretending, careless of the world that's passing by,

Secretly wishing I could find a sight for sore eyes.

Shouldn't this be a two way street we walk?

Now, I would love to journey with you looking for what we have lost.

But could it be that simple? Truthfully, I think it is.

Complication's only an option we can apply to how we live... so leave it out.

Let's take these steps to feel and better off,

And learn that there's just too much to gain once you get passed what you've lost.

Only time will reveal what's faint and what's clear,

Look up to the stars, breathe within the oceans, 'cause there goes the fear.

NTS:

I did it all throughout high school. I'm pretty damn sure I can do it again. No problem.

And save yourself some $#%$ing dignity while you still have some left to save. You look pathetic from their POV.

To whomever it may concern:

Don't ever let your negative thoughts bring you down. 'Cause sometimes, life will surprise you.

longevitys apart

You and I, we don't talk anymore. You left and we went our separate ways. You didn't give me much time to soak it in. You told me one day in advance you were leaving for good. But so much time has passed now that even the bad memories have become good ones. And despite what the rest of my family says, I know you're not a bad person. You loved me no matter what I did. But it's sad to say that through the years you and I became more like friends than family. I'm thankful though. Because of you, I'm the man I am today.

"Leaving me was probably the best thing you ever taught me."

Maybe one day, we'll kick it again, Dad.

delude

I'm the type to be straight up when something is bothering me. But what if that something was a friend who lied directly to you, and thought that you didn't know the truth? Would it be better to confront them and put the friendship at risk, or keep it to yourself and hope they change their ways? I guess it's all a matter of opinion.

Today, I chose to keep it to myself.

push on

This is the realest shit I've ever wrote, I'll say it with my soul.

We all spend time on things that break too easily, like people.

Friends they come, and they may go,

but from each you'll learn and grow.

Mentality is the game, don't ever lose the grip of your sanity,

because friends will hurt you more than your enemies.

Don't let it bring you down though it's just how that shit works,

put your heart out on the pedestal and pull it back when you get hurt.

Gotta learn from your mistakes, it's what'll make you stronger,

from heartaches to heartbreaks, gotta keep reaching higher.

Don't ever lose your aspect, the things that you prospect the most,

make your dreams reality, and that's when you'll discover the beauty,

of what life could be.

"they say life is what you make it, when really life is what makes you"-RA Scion

define: express/emotion

I look at myself to the man I shaped up to be,

and can't help but remember who I used to be.

Everything I'm going through is like a book: beginning, middle and end.

And time is my worst enemy, and my best friend.

So much shit happened, so much shit has changed,

been through the chapter and flipped the page.

Now, I can't help but realize that all the bad shit is behind me,

and what's important is the future I make/believe.

Gotta maintain that state of mind, pray and be blessed.

You only live once, so live life to the fullest.

Yes

If you've ever seen the movie "Yes man", then you'd know that the concept of the story was to say yes to anything. I've been trying to do the same. Maybe not as extreme as it was portrayed in the movie, but I'm trying my best. A few nights ago, it was all made clear that it was well worth it. A friend asked me to photograph an event he was helping organize, and that was where I met her. It was like a movie. I held the camera to my face to snap photos when she walked into focus. I lowered the camera slowly, staring blankly straight ahead of me to a sight so...breath taking. Beautiful. We had two mutual friends at that party, and thanks to them I was soon introduced to her. We were left alone to talk with one another. Struggling to hear each other from the loud music playing in the background, we were forced to keep distance to a minimum. She told me her dad is in the UN, she lived in Africa for 4 years, came to BC just to study at UBC, and that she was feeling low about a test she didn't do too well on. We talked our personal lives, and moved onto music(my specialty). It wasn't awkward at all. Words flowed from both ends and I immediately felt how interested I was in this girl. Sadly, she was waiting for a date(whom I thought was her boyfriend at first), and when he arrived, I learned something. I didn't care. He was just an obstacle I'd need to overcome. And so at the end of the night, she was standing with the guy when I approached her. I said to her, "Hey, I gotta go now, do you mind if i could get your facebook? It was really nice meeting you." Instead, she asked for my number. She was just full of surprises. Taking my digits in front of her date, I knew there was something more to this. The night ended and all I could think to myself was: If I hadn't said yes to helping photograph the dance, would I have ever met her?

I don't believe in coincidences.
It's gotta be fate.

luvsic

You got me love sick. You got me reminiscing of all the good times. It's amazing how much you can be hurt by someone; yet somehow, still continue to care for them. It's torture-- this feeling.

But you taught me something:

Don't live on what if. Take a swing. One, two, three. Strike out? Continue playing the game. Never get your hopes up or the harder your hopes will fall.

But I guess it's inevitable. We're all human. We all lust for love.

Want to avoid the pain?
Listen to your heart and not your dick. Feel me.

NEED TO ESCAPE THIS HIGH SCHOOL STATE OF MIND

For the first time in a long time, it finally feels like life's headin' in the right direction.

Back in the days,

Nintendo, Super Nintendo, Nintendo 64, Nintendo GameCube, Nintendo Wii
Probably my favorite game ever: Super smash bros--the collection. Owning every one since n64. Please, test my skills. I'm calling out any one haha.

Born and raised loving dbz, clearly.


Seriously, some days I sit and wish I was a kid again.

Hey, you. You're my dream girl.

it's all in the past

I remember watching these like they were just yesterday. I remember because in retrospect, it was the only time where I had no worries to worry about. Just an ordinary kid with an ordinary life. Girls, work; life were the least of my troubles. Hit up school five times a week, and went home to my favorite TV shows. Man, how I dislike this adolescent feeling. Adult-hood, here I come ;(.

Can you name them all?

High hopes of expectations, shot down in the prime. Reality kicked in and showed me the real kind of world. Blah blah, peace out Summer Finn. Autumn is hotter anyways :).

"so how's you and ____?" haha i love answering this question.
"we don't talk anymore."
"what the fuck is wrong with you guys?"
"i don't know."
"you guys are messed up dude"

just a random thing that happened again today.

jeez, ponder me something happy would you?

I'm Stanley

You know what I just realized? I'm picky and quite shallow to a certain extent. I say this with all good intentions though. Because Honestly, it's rare for me to even like a girl. I'm easily turned off by many things. Smoking, flirtatiousness, and drinking are just a few of the many things that turn me off. I'll break it down for you:

I've never smoked anything in my life. Not even taken a puff of anything so you should understand where I'm coming from. Flirty, but with certain limits. You can't fricken act like you like every single guy. That's just annoying and let's face it, no one likes a tease. Drinking, yeah I'll admit, I'm being a hypocrite about this one but girls who drink till they are totally wasted, total turn off. I don't wanna watch some douche take advantage of you, nor do I wanna take care of you if you're gonna be like that.

As for me being shallow, yeah it's true. Personality does not come first on my list(despite what I tell everyone haha). Obviously, appearance and body structure are my first impressions. Then comes smarts. Quote from Miko: "smart girls are good in bed" haha. But no really, academically/street smart would be second on my list for no reasons relating to sex haha. Now comes personality. Nothing too much to explain here. Just be yourself and I'll be happy. Anything beyond this point is non-existent for now until proven otherwise.

Now, my journey for conquest begins! Wish me good luck!

Take me or leave me. But I assure you life isn't merely about safety/security. Taking risks is a big part of it. Keep that in your mental state; quit depressing yourself over it. Don't picture the worst possible scenario in a choice but let optimism consume your entire being. Let that be your prozac. Now try to digest that.

fancy this,

I can't write well, but trust me, I can think. Underneath the under rated complexity of my scalp, lies a labyrinth of my thoughts. Try to perceive them but you'll get lost. Try to escape but the more you'll become disoriented. But you're an exception. I've pretty much given you a map to my thoughts.

I sit here, still looking for a key to get in yours. Is what I do; how I show it not enough? I've given you all of me; now, I want all of you. Give me a key to your thoughts and I promise our minds will intertwine in a frenzy of glee. Once upon a time; happily ever after.

To Jermi:

Jermi, I know how you must be feeling right now. I've been through it too. Things might not seem too bright right now but I know they will be later. So there's no use in crying; sulking over negative thoughts. When this is over, and he's all better, you, your brother, your sister, your mom and your dad will be together as a family again. Just how you always wanted it to be. Keep your head up. I'll be here if you ever need anything, friend.

A friend once told me she wasn't sure if she was going to marry her boyfriend whom she has been with for a long time. Pretty much all of high school. She told me they talked about it but she always had second thoughts. "He is a good boyfriend and all, but he doesn't seem like the type to have a career. I need someone who can provide just in case." Damn.

I agreed and laughed. But in the back of my head, it really got me thinking. I know I wasn't the best academically in school; I know I could have done better. But the fact is, school's finished and real life's commenced. I can't travel back in time like Henry. So I gotta make the best of the future to try and compensate for the past. I don't want the girl that I plan to be with to think the same thing about me. I want to avoid the doubts and have nothing less than certainty. After all, marriage is about trust, loyalty; faith. Right?

This has been on my mind for a while, but for some reason I just can't act on it. To be honest, maybe I'm just a little lazy right now. No, wait. Not lazy. Discouraged. I'm losing motivation/inspiration from the stress; depression. Life is just so complicated when you attempt to comprehend it. Right now, I'm in the live-in-the-present-and-not-look-too-far-ahead phase. I need to cut the bull shit and figure my self out. What I wanna do, what I wanna become; who I wanna do it for. Because shit, I wanna impress that girl one day. And you know what? I will.

I will.

Occasionally, I'd hear people say, "My mom is so strict! She keeps calling asking where I am now!" or "My mom is over protective." Honestly, I'm jealous of everyone who has a Mom. It fucking sucks to remember so little about your own Mom. It's been seven years and slowly, I'm forgetting a lot of stuff about her. I understand the phrase "You don't realise what you got, until it's gone." is cliche though. Obviously, you can't learn to be happy with someone forever. But I do believe in trying your best to make the best of the time you have with them. And ever since my Mom passed away, My Dad's been too easy going on me. Don't get me wrong, it isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I do miss having limitations. I miss being grounded. I miss everything. Looking at old photo albums, it really sucks to look at my Dad and see how happy he looked with my Mom all those years ago. Sometimes, I can't understand how he can be so strong about it. He told me "I only have hope because of you and kuya." But up to date, my life hasn't been the greatest. It fucking sucks to be in the middle of everything. I'm just hoping somewhere down the road, my brother and my Dad will be in good terms again. Because honestly, I'm so sick of all this shit. I'm sick of everything that I've had to endure; I'm sick of crying over all the drama. There's so much things I can't even talk about with even my closest friends. But you know what? I'll just put on my fake smile, imperceivable like every other day, and just hope that somewhere down the road, things will brighten up again.

I really wish you were still here Mom. I miss and love you so much. July 21, 2002, 8:20pm

so it's coming out tomorrow(sarcasm): the time traveler's wife. and i'm watching it. YESSSSS

hey did you guys know time traveler's wife doesn't come out tomorrow... it comes out a few days after... hahah...



DAMN ALL OF YOU WHO ARE WATCHING IT TOMORROW!!! #$$%*%*%##%!!!:(:(:(:(::((

pave this road

One minute, Two. Too many mistakes to compensate. Sixty seconds pass but I'm stuck in the past; can't move forward. Come on, increase speed. I'm tryin' but everything is moving slow motion for me. Time can't cure this. Time is a damn disease, now. I'll Backtrack down tobacco road to only one solution: hopelessly incentively submissive. Situation's gone too calloused; I'm trying to alleviate, but it looks like I'm restricted. I'll sacrifice my memories like Christ sacrificed his life. Protect me; diminish my pain. I'll be resurrected again.
Dig it.

"They askin' me if I'll be back when I'm old.
In fact, no. These are my last tracks along tobacco road."

Coffee And Snow

scholars dawn

Fuck all the emo blogs I do. I hate reading over them again so here's a happy one for all of you:

I missed the feeling of waking up to a cold temperature. Even though I didn't wear a blanket while I slept and is probably gonna get sick now, I really missed the feeling. Rainy days are supposedly supposed to signify depression, despair, misery and all that drama jazz, but I've grown to believe it represents the exact opposite. It's to bring enlightenment to those who are stressing out; depressing out.

They say there is a balance. A balance between the good and bad. This rainy day is the good for me; I can't help but admire it. And can you keep a secret? In Elementary, when it would rain and everyone had to stay inside to what they would call an "inside day", I would grin discreetly in the corner of the classroom while everyone else wept and cried. I guess no one really liked the rain as much as I did haha.

Also, we used to have a playground near my old house back in Burnaby. I remember sitting under it while it rained. Hopelessly trying to dodge all the drops that made it through the roof with a million holes on it; quickly going from damp to drenched. I knew I'd be in trouble in a few minutes. So I make my last words; cherish the rain while it's still here. Consequences are soon to follow. But it was all worth it.

I'm not going to get wet today. But I will adore the rest of the day.

use the depression as inspiration

I'm not in love. I'm in lust. In lust for love. Dig it; get a grip. Pray it will be okay; keep praying for better days. Coincidences don't exist. Only fate, destiny; the meant-to-bes.

yellow skin; brown eyes. how complex.

I can't understand you-- this situation. You tell me we can't go any further in this relationship, yet... you told me that you still like me. I'm not scared to say it either: I like you too. And I've fallen too hard to get back up. I've never liked a girl this much in a long time. How the hell am I supposed to get up? Why are you teasing me, taunting me; confusing me like this? You're testing me aren't you? Well I don't wanna play this game anymore! There's too much thinking involved! To be honest, I don't even wanna make you my girlfriend. At this time, I'd just like to get to know you better. I mean, if we can't even maintain this friendship, how the hell would we be able to handle the pressure of commitment on our shoulders? But I guess it's safe to say that no matter what happens, our friendship will always be awkward now. We can't even talk normally sometimes! Fuck, this shit is too complicated! fuck, shit, cunt, vag, horse feces!!#!@$%@@!!PISS COMING OUT FROM MY ASS!!$@!

to blogspot:

Over time, blogspot has grown to become my contemporary comfort zone. Because I can't project my insecurities on people, I turn to blogspot to say them for me. It's quite ironic though. The fact I can't express my feelings towards some people yet I put them on a site that everyone is free to read. But I guess a part of me wants people to read what I blog haha. Anyways, I'd like to thank blogspot for lending an ear to my regards; helping me express myself. If it weren't here, I don't know how else I would get rid of all these feelings. I can't even find the time to go out and buy a journal dammit! So for the time being, blogspot will remain my first priority when it comes to my emotions. Thanks for that.

Don't go away yet baby, I still go so much to say. brb.

Random Topic

I've noticed that I have been hypocritical among a lot of things on the internet. Facebook, Blogspot, Twitter, And Tumblr were all things I used to make fun of. And to update you, I have made an account on three of the four sites. I'm pretty much considering on making an account on Tumblr now haha. I guess this is when the saying, "Don't knock it until you try it." comes into play. Yeah, I think I might just do that haha.

Now, If only real life wasn't so hypocritical. Wait am I being a hypocrite about being a hypocrite? Ahh, screw it. I'm confused dammit.

I'll find something better to blog about later. Effing writers block.

what the

I just made twitter... what the eff?

tributes to smallville:

Yeah, I love smallville haaaaaiiiii

hip-hop saved my life

So I sat down, grabbed the remote, pointed at the T.V., hit the "on" button, and immediately went to channel 24(Much Music) to some lil wayne.

And this is where my story begins:

Recently, I've come to deeply respect the music that is hip-hop. And no, I'm not talking about that shit that plays on the radio now a days. Not the kind about "bitches", or how rich you are, or how conceited you are. I'm talking real hip-hop. The kind of hip-hop that expresses life and feelings; the kind that doesn't discriminate against others beliefs, sex, and race. It's because of those shitty songs from soulja boy/lil wayne etc. that lead a large population of people to believe that all rap is the same. When really, they are on two completely different levels. Artists like Nas, Blue Scholars, Nujabes should never be compared to shit-heads like gucci mane, 50 cent, or weezy. But don't worry, real hip-hop ain't dead. It's merely submersed, underground. Where I hope it will remain until all the crap on the surface subsides. It will show its face when the time is right. Peace.

[So I'm driftin' away like a feather in air,
Lettin' my words take me away from the hurt and despair.
So I'm keepin' it vertical forever elevator,
Ridin' the escalator to the somethin' that is greater.]

it's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring!

Ahhh... honestly, I'd prefer this weather over those hot sunny days, any day. Just something about the rain feels lovely. I mean, wouldn't you wanna walk with a girl/boy you liked under the same umbrella, using the rain as an excuse to snuggle closer? While you talk about random stuff... and maybe even sing to her/him? Hell yeah! hahaha sorry, maybe that was just me. But really, It's a dope feeling. Don't mind me though. I'm just romantic like that.

On another note: My grandma sent me outside just now to put a tarp over the grill that we used for my bbq. And you know what? Instead of going back inside, I just decided to stand there and let the raindrops fall against my face, and soak through my clothes. I didn't even care. It felt refreshing. And as retarded as this might sound, I smiled. Smiled thinking about how life can be so confusing, yet there is always things to appreciate, like this rainy day. Not to mention, thunder/lightning only make it better. Despite what other might think, I enjoy hearing the loud sha-bams; seeing the sky flash gray for a second. It isn't something you witness everyday. Anyways, now I'm standing there feeling heavier than usual when I realize 10 minutes has passed by. So I go inside, take a shower, change, lie down on my bed, and watch "The King Of Queens". Relaxing to this cool, beautiful day.

Tomorrows forecast: 27 degrees and sunny.

August 14!!

you know what comes out? the time traveller's wife!
what was once a book is now a motion picture!


thanks for the introduction meeeks. as soon as i walked into black bond books and bought it, i couldn't put it down. got home, started reading; next thing you know, you lose track of time because you're too into it haha. i no longer have the book in my possession though(gave it away as a present). but honestly, the sexual scenes were a big ups in my opinion haha. i'm sure you'd all agree. hurry the fox up and read that ish jermi REEEET. anyways, shieee i've been waiting way too long for this. especially since the release date kept changing(which killed me). can't believe it's coming out in 21 days haha!

a recommendation: for you kids who have not read this book yet, hurry up and buy a copy. read the book if you're planning to watch the movie!
fuck the twilight series. LOL


on another note: the character of claire abshire is played by one of my most favoritessst actresses: rachel mcadams haha. frick i loved her after watching the notebook hahaha. eric bana is cool too. they've got good chemistry together haha.



frick the trailer is dope too. i'm getting giddy.

So he asks me:

"How are you Stanley?"

You're asking me Francis? Hell, I'll tell you how I am. I'm exasperated; furious. In fact, I'm feeling so nasty that I think I might just commit, a comma splice. And maybe; incorrectly use that semicolon, just for kicks.

*Clears throat* Pardon the arrogance/insolence. Physically available; emotionally preoccupied would probably be the best way to describe how I am. And I'll tell you what I think: life's being biased. Unfairly favoring the idea that "nice guys finish last". Which ironically, I do believe in now haha. But enough about that.

How Am I? I'll tell you how I am. I'm scared. The thought of the "real world" scares me. I don't know how to approach it. Like getting the ball in the rough, my goal to reach that hole has only gotten harder. It only hit me when the days remaining of high school were denumerable with my ten fingers. Yes, it was definitely a trick but I did it. Life seemed so simple when I was just a little kid. I miss my care-free-at-ease-self.

The night I will never forget: grad dinner and dance. It was a bittersweet feeling. I hated the fact that it was one of the last nights as high school students; however, I loved how it brought us all together. Vitamin C - Graduation was the last song played. Cliché? Fuck that. The fact that everyone was crying clearly states how cliché it isn't. But I must admit, I was very close to tearing up haha. I'm not going to miss high school entirely. I'll only miss the seeing-everyone/constant-socializing parts of it. On that note: I have already organized mentally who I will see and never see again. "The forgottens" being the ones I'll never see again.

So again. How am I? I'm struck with nostalgia; I'm tired. Thanks for asking. But let's talk about something else. Like bugs? haha

morning maroooon

cheers to a late-night-sleep-wake-up-early kind of day once again. but might i add that today i host a bbq at my house! fuck 4 hours of sleep, who gives a shit though. it's gonna be a day to remember. forget the love,drama,relationship bizzz. today the spotlight is on me; the sun has never shined so bright. peace.

Dear Miss July

I wouldn't necessarily say I'm the nicest of guys. In general, I can be pretty mean to some of my friends. But things are different when it comes to girls whom I really like. I'm like this new guy who is anything but mean. Nah, I'm not whipped either. I just become a boy who is too nice for his own good. It's been made painfully obvious that good karma is non-existent. And when it's all over, I'm nostalgic. Nostalgic among all the things I did for her, and everything that was thrown back from her: good and bad. From buying The Lion King online to even just a simple get-together to hang out, I sometimes wondered why I did it when a voice inside me told me not to do this to yourself... again. But I guess it was just my way of saying "I still think about you.", just in case. I cannot blame her entirely though. I was warned. Warned about everything that may happen if I got in too deep. I was overconfident and that's what fucked me over. You like her, she likes you. It shouldn't have been this complicated... but it was. I promised I would not lose a good friend again, and that's exactly what I'm gonna do; as hard as it may be, I have no regrets. And please pardon the humbleness/modesty, but you lost your chance with a good guy. I'm getting over you... starting... now.

P.S. I fricken missed you Blogspot. Time to start fresh.